Sunday, September 20, 2009

To Own Me is to Love Me?: Redefining Love and Creating a New Vision

Today I attended the Global Mala in Los Angeles to do 108 sun salutations as a symbolic gesture to bring peace around the world and to raise money to bring yoga to schools around the country. This event coincides with the U.N. International Day of Peace...such an awesome and inspiring event. While I was at the event and wandering around the different vendor booths, I was introduced to the teachings of Paramahamsa Nithyananda. Here is my cliff notes version of some of his thoughts on love...what it is and how to love.... 
"Love is an expansion. It destroys boundaries, internal and external. When you deeply experience deep love with someone, it is like you have merged with that person. The boundaries have melted. When you touch someone with a deep love, you expand. You are no longer suffocated, it is like you are living within two bodies. The deep love takes you to that place of no boundaries. But love is dependent on how you see something/someone. Always when you look at something you are calculating what you can get out of it, what you can have from it..then your thoughts come from fear and greed. Your attention is to the object. If your attention goes to the inner space and if you start to look at things or people and ask yourself, "What can I add to this? What can I contribute?," then that is the process of love. No words can really verbalize love. It is an intense experience. "  
Wow!! I am still sitting with this. So beautiful. I can only say that this is my deepest hope, of finding someone that literally makes all my boundaries melt and vice versa. It so interesting to hear his thoughts on love because so many people have a deep fear of commitment because they are afraid that they will be suffocated and have no movement, no sense of independence. I am understanding more and more that that fear only exists because we have not been taught that love is really about contributing to each other's lives, about adding to each other's lives. Instead, we are taught that 1, finding someone (i.e. spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend) will make us complete AND then 2, somehow, we "own" the person to a certain degree. That IS scary!! 
I think that deep down that mentality has scared me...maybe this why I have dated some less than desirable candidates. I mean, it has been said that every behavior has a payoff; we do things, even destructive things, because they serve some purpose. So maybe I was afraid that he real thing would equal suffocation. Maybe I had not really internalized that I could experience a love that would expand me as a person, maybe I could not have even imagined a love so pure that it would give me wings, contribute to my vision of my life and purpose, and could open me up to new possibilities. No..instead, sadly, I have wasted so much time in relationships that were not love. The lack of respect and integrity suffocated me and because the person was not really invested in contributing to my life in a real way, I would go to a place of fear and in turn be consumed with the thought of losing that person, therefore trying to "own" them. And ironically, I have always been fearful of someone trying to "own" me, take me to suburbia, and never allowing my true essence to shine! A sad circle of events...I am having an "Aha!" moment, folks!! 
Thinking of Paramahamsa Nithyananda's words, I realize that now is the time to build a new vision of love. This means thinking of love in the most mature and truest sense, of unraveling years of false storytelling, and redesigning all relationships I currently have..friendships, family, and romantic. Taking apart old beliefs will be hard work. But this vision is so liberating!! Imagine not worrying about "losing" someone, "keeping" someone...instead, turning your desires to making this person's life as beautiful and fulfilling as possible and vice versa. A true partnership. By holding on to this ideal, I think it will be easier to see false "love", to see who is truly invested in me as I am in them..all that is false will fall away as long as I don't hold on in fear. Those who are open and loving and looking for a reciprocal relationship of giving and contributing will not fall away. I think this has also been my trouble in the past (and not so distant past!); many times I have been more than eager to give, to contribute, and failed to realize that love, real love, will also give back and not just take or take you for granted. I think that when I have given and given and little has been given back to me, the dynamics change from love to fear; then slowly, it falls apart. I think that is what he means when he says that real love melts boundaries; because you no longer have to fear that someone will not honor you or will disrespect you, you are able to let your boundaries melt..there is no heart to protect because with real love, your partner wants nothing more than the best for your heart and spirit! Sign me up!! Furthermore, when I hear his words, it makes me understand more and more how and why sex can be such an exhilarating experience with someone you love..the melting of all boundaries, the ultimate expression of merging two souls, and if done with a pure heart , the intense passion that can only come from really giving and sharing your body and soul. Although sex can always feel good, the intensity, passion, and AMAZING feeling that comes from sharing the experience with someone who you are really invested in and is invested in you is unlike anything else. 
I have read that the blessing in experiencing what you don't want is that you receive clarity as to what you really do want and desire. It is becoming more and more clear to me in the last 2 months than ever before. I am so ready to experience all my relationships in a new way, based on real love. So I have a little mantra for all of us...May you be blessed with lots of love and may you turn away from fear and allow yourself to experience the true melting of boundaries in the loving hands of someone who really loves you back. May our new vision of love be one of contributing to another's ultimate happiness, of supporting their dreams and desires, and not of trying to possess them. Happy International Day of Peace!