Lotus Lessons

New Year's Eve- Magic, Grapes, and Goals!

2009-12-30T09:02:00.000-08:00

With New Year’s Eve just around the corner, I can’t resist doing a little goal setting and reflecting on what this year has brought. Ever since I was little, I have greeted the New Year with open arms and a sense of excitement of what could be just around the corner and the anticipation of doing each season, each holiday, each of the “big days” (first /last day of school, birthdays, etc) just a little bit better. As I kid, my sister and I used to spend New Year’s Eve with my grandparents, who had a long standing tradition of eating and serving us black eyed peas for good luck on that night, as well as, directly after midnight, serving us twelve grapes, one for each month of the year. As we ate each grape, we were to carefully think of a wish that we wanted to happen in the New Year. You think it would be easy to make twelve wishes, but I can tell you, it can get hard, especially when you grow out of Barbies and other numerous toys. And for as long as I have been able to write, I have always made a list of my goals for the upcoming year.

Now, I believe that you can start over at any time; no need to say, “Well, I blew that one! Guess I gotta wait another 10 months to get it right!” But there is something magical about this season and New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day. Even if it just a manmade, societal construct, I think there is something beautiful about friends and family gathering together and celebrating the lives they have, the people in it, and the promise of what is to come. And really, is there anything wrong with making wishes and setting goals? I think not.

But for me, the wishes and goals I have for the upcoming year are always created out of the reflection of what has happened over the last year. And when I think back to what last year was like a year ago today, it is exactly the same and totally different. See, last December 29^th, I was on my way to NYC for the first time ever. And as I write this, it is December 29^th and I am on a flight to NYC. Kind of ironic. But outside of that, so much has changed. A year ago, there was a boy I was emailing with but had never met (we met exchanging raw food recipes/tips on a website). We met for the first time on New Year’s Eve day (see, I told you that day is magic). A year later and after much trial and error (and many happy visits in between), I am flying to ring in the New Year with Mike and can’t imagine what this year would have been like had I NOT met him and had I NOT been a bit spontaneous and met up with friends in NYC, as it was not in my original holiday plans. A year ago, I was in a on again, off again, completely unhealthy involvement with a guy I had been seeing for over a year. I can remember having some heart-wrenching conversations right before I went to NYC about his relationship phobias. Little did I know I would meet someone so special and fall in love with a city I had only dreamt of visiting. And had someone told me a year ago that I would be flying back a year later to be with this man and this city, I would’ve never believed. Life is really magical!

So, in honor of the magic that is New Year’s Eve, of careful reflection, and my lovely NaNa and NaNo, who taught me that grapes could be transformative if you had enough gusto to put your wishes our there, I am going to make my 12 wishes for 2010. Not sure if I will be able to get my hands on some grapes on NYE, but I’m still going to set my intentions, cross my fingers, and believe that anything is possible

1.Complete health- mind, body, soul, spirit.

2. For my family/friends to be healthy as well.

3. To always have enough of what I need.

4. 4. And for my family/friends to have enough as well.

5 5.For this to be my happiest year yet. Annoyingly happy!

6. 6.To travel lots and lots- ideally with someone I adore.

7. 7. To make a little more money to do that and to see my family more.

8. 8. To love where I live and have the guts to change my surroundings if it isn’t working (that might be 2 wishes!).

. 9.To finally, finally get my yoga certification and pass on the love of yoga to others.

10. 10.To have the opportunity to start making strides toward my alternate career goals in health and nutrition.

11. 11.To continue to be in a happy, healthy relationship that just keeps blooming.

12. 12.To have enough sense of worth to walk away from anyone or anything that isn’t a reflection of what I really want/deserve….so I will never have to write another blog about settling for less than my heart’s desire.

Now go grab your twelve red, organic grapes and start wishing! Lots of love and hope to all of you!

Weekend Detox: Clearing the body, home, and spirit...and the act of giving.

2009-11-15T12:29:00.000-08:00

May you be inspired to take some time out for your most valuable commodity..you! Doing so might just give you more get-up-and-go to serve and be present for the people and things you value most!

It is Sunday, and I am nearing the end of my weekend detox. I had planned for this weekend a few weeks ago. Life has been a little too busy for my liking lately and with my upcoming Kinder-Garden planting and Mike's visit (yey!), I knew I needed a little time alone to really declutter, collect my thoughts, unplug, and simply take care of myself. I have been feeling lately that I have been giving so much time and energy to others, and although I love the projects and people involved, it was time to spend some time alone and refuel the tank. Add in another Master Cleanse and all systems were a-go for me to really detox my body and life in general. What has unfolded this weekend has been a unique opportunity to really take stock of all that is currently present in my life, revisit the past, and give, not only to myself but to others.

Friday, Day 5 of my cleanse, greeted me with a headache and a quiet nudge that things were a little off. I did not feel like myself all day and simply felt irritable. The headache continued throughout the day and I did not have the get up and go to even teach my kiddies yoga that day. I was more than ready to call it a day and head home. Classic example of what happens to me when I push myself too hard and don't get enough sleep. I came home and napped for a good 3 hours and then decided it was time to finish clearing out the closet...tomorrow would be the day I would drop of my donations to charity, something I do about once a year. Going through my closet and bedroom, I came face to face with a lot of my own waste and a lot of my on emotional ties to objects. Each of the items I would be giving away represented a piece of my past ( I went through this a bit last weekend when I was cleaning out my car...who knew how much of my past could be sitting in my trunk!). I had to ask myself why I was holding on to it. With some things, it was very easy to let go. But with others, there were definitely strong memories and ties to them. Repeatedly, I had to keep asking myself, "What are trying to make room for in your life? What would you like to invite in?" This helped tremendously, as I kept seeing how it is not only the emotional and mental things we hold on to that blocks us, but also the actual physical stuff that disallows new, more aligned experiences and people to enter in. After several hours of this, I turned in to read a book I never have time to read, wrote in my journal, and slept like a baby.

Saturday greeted me with no headache and this initial thought: "Instead of being a consumer (which really means consume-more), try being a consume-less!" This became my FB status update and mantra of the day, definitely brought on by last night's closet cleaning and seeing my own waste pile up. I was ready to have a productive day of releasing old stuff but also giving to others who could really use it. It really was my day of karmic yoga. I have to admit that I was greatly inspired by Mike and all the donations he has been making, as well as a post he had on Facebook about a guy who decided to give out peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to the homeless. Taking all these things into account, I started my day by loading the car with books to donate to the library just down my street (why had I never visited it in the past two years?!), clothes and other goods to donate to Salvation Army, and 5 almond butter and agave sandwiches to give to the homeless on my way to yoga. (I had five really awesome buns that a parent brought me, but I don't eat bread. I decided I could do something good with them, though, by giving it to someone who needed it).

At the library, I not only donated the books but finally became a member, checking out Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver, which my friend Dawn has been suggesting to me for weeks now, and I checked out two movies for my quiet night at home. That felt amazing, knowing my books would be put to good use. Second stop was the Salvation Army; they gladly took my clothes, old stuffed animals, dog bag, old printer, and other random items, including a bag full of unused lotions that people gave to me as gifts (please don't buy me lotions...but Dawn, yours is the exception..that one is amazing! And organic and all natural! I am trying to clear out as many unnatural products as possible and Victoria's Secret Lotions just ain't cutting it!). Next I was off to Santa Monica for a little Farmer's Market and afternoon yoga at Yogis Anonymous, but on my way I was on the lookout for some homeless people who would want my sandwiches. Unfortunately in Santa Monica, this is not hard to find. I found a small group of homeless people off of 5th and asked if anyone would want some sandwiches. I walked up to one lady who refused them, but quickly a man asked if he could have them; I gladly gave them to him and he thanked me. I had missed the Farmer's Market by about 20 minutes but it was a small price to pay. By the time I got to class, I already felt like I had done days worth of yoga, the kind you do off the mat. Taking Chani's class and taking the time to recenter, pay gratitude, and continually ask the question "What can I give?" left me feeling even lighter than before. All in all, it was a beautiful way to spend my morning and afternoon.

Saturday evening was all about more decluttering and cleaning. I washed clothes, cleaned out the frig, and sorted through a pile of mail. It may not have been a wild Saturday night out, but it was much needed. I am realizing that the more organized my space is and the less clutter I have, the more organized I feel and the more I open to something new and better. I took a nice hot shower and fell asleep to one of my rentals.

I woke up early today but ready to be productive. After laying around for a bit, I began my Sunday with dusting my entire house. This was great because it forced me to get rid of old magazines, go through more mail, and take stock of any pictures or other memorabilia that I have up. I made a conscious decision to make sure that I only had pictures up of people that make me smile and fill me up...a lot can change in two years!

At this point, my home was looking almost how I wanted to. And since I am on a cleanse, I have not only being cleaning out the physical space of my home and decluttering any emotional baggage, I have also been decluttering my body by giving it a much needed break from excess food, alcohol, and tuning into what my body really needs. Just like the cleaning of my home and the sorting of the closet, I have given myself the space to see what I really need nutritionally, what is just an emotional tie (in this case, to food and why??), and what I want to invite in to my body once the cleanse is over. (This is partly why it was great to go through the fridge and see what old food I was holding onto...want to have space for nice, yummy produce!). No good machine can keep going without a tune up and the body is no different. Plus, by not concentrating on food, I was able to devote my energies elsewhere.

The afternoon found me napping and then up to work on a sample project that I am having my students complete for Thanksgiving. Basically it is a paper Cornucopia, and on it they are to draw or cut out pictures of at least three things they are thankful for and then write a sentence about it. For any project, I show them a sample, so I decided to one of my own. I couldn't have decided to do it at a better time, as my mom and I had just got in a little tiff on the phone it brought my energy down. Time to do something positive. My simple sentence was, "I am thankful for my friends, family, students, and yoga practice." I found myself immediately charged again as I had trouble picking pictures out...there are just too many good people in my life and not enough room! (See pic at the top of this entry). What a gift! Can't wait for my students to do this.

Now that my home (and body) is so much cleaner and decluttered and I have had ample time alone to reflect and even give back to others a bit, I had one more bit of symbolic cleansing to do...a sage cleansing. Sage cleansing is an ancient ritual done by Native American and shamanic cultures to remove negative energy from a space. I have been really wanting to do this for awhile and bought the sage months ago. There seemed like no better time than now to go ahead and do it. I looked around on the internet for some ideas on how to do it, and one idea involved creating a personal mantra for the cleansing. I meditated on it and came up with this, " May this space be cleared of any past negative energy and past hurts and may space be provided to bring in love, possibilities, and pure joy. May my heart be open to manifest all that I deserve and desire and may those who enter my home fill it with love and bring me closer to my life's purpose." I walked through my entire apartment saying this mantra, feeling the old energy leave, and feeling completely open to what might come. To end the cleansing, I saged myself and the outside of my door frame, sealing in the good energy and symbolically closing the door on any negative energy. Even if it was just a symbolic gesture and the validity of it is in the eye of the beholder, I did feel lighter once it was done and, even to my surprise, had a total surge of energy. I truly believe that not all things can be explained logically and we as Westerners can stand to learn a lot from the Native Americans and other indigenous cultures. Moments after the cleanse, my mom called and we had a wonderful, long, heart-to-heart. Part of what we discussed was food and cleansing; she has agreed to let me help her develop a plan to get her body back on track and switch to a less processed, whole food diet. Let the love come on in!!

I am ending my weekend of cleansing now by going to a friend's birthday (love you, Rupa!). I have spent the last 24 hours alone and am now ready to share my space and energy with others again; it's amazing what good can come out of a much needed detox, internally and externally. I can't think of a better way to end this weekend than to now celebrate the life of a good friend and to surround myself in good company and energy.

As my much needed weekend detox comes to a close, I have these parting words for you should you decide to your own weekend detox:

1) Give yourself time to reflect on what you want to manifest in your life and what is stealing your energy. This will help you to decide what items you would like to let go of and possibly what people and/or projects are no longer serving you.

2) As you let go of things you no longer need, send them off with the good intention that they will be of great value to the next person who possesses them. Do not pack away any bad memories or grudges with them. Be grateful that those items served you and then release with love.

3) Do something nice and nurturing for yourself during this time as well. Take a class, get a massage, sleep in, take a long bath, etc. Remember, the idea is to not only clear your space but your energy as well.

4) Do something giving...whether it is donating clothes or food, this will open your heart in a whole new way. I promise you that you will float all day...you will get back way more than what you gave away!

5) If possible, do something nurturing for your body. Even if you don't do the Master Cleanse, try to eat as clean as possible. Remember you body is your temple, your home that you take with you all day, everyday. What sense is it to have a sparkling clean home if your internal home is full of junk and toxins? Take this time to clean your internal home, reflect on your current diet, and make some new intentions as to how you will now nourish it. Likewise, go through your sundries/cleaning supplies and try to switch to products and cleaning agents that are as natural as possible.

6) Declutter the mind and refill it with something motivating and enlightening. Take this time to let go of old thought patterns that are no longer serving you and invite in new thoughts and vibrations that will add to your life. Read a good book, listen to audio programming, or watch a documentary that will inspire you and take you to new heights. You now have the time to do it, so make the most of it.

7) Find your own "ritual" that will allow you to feel a sense of completion. It could be a sage cleaning, but perhaps for you it could be prayer, mediation, or simply journaling what you learned through your weekend detox. We are all different and have unique ways of accessing our higher self. I am just sharing with you my experience, which in a year might unfold in a totally different way. Find what works for you.

8) Finally, give thanks and reflect on what you are thankful for. Nothing nurtures the spirit like gratitude and you will close your weekend with a new sense of just how full your life really is. I find that the more I give thanks, the more goodness keeps coming to me.

Which reminds me....

I am thankful that I have a wonderful place to live in that I can nurture my soul, have friends and family over to fill it with love and laughter, and to rest in.

I am so thankful to have so many people in my life who love me and inspire me daily.

I am so thankful to work with such wonderful students who make me laugh and teach me more and more about myself.

I am thankful that my favorite person will be here with me in a just a matter of days and that he inspires me daily with his own contributions to his community. You were my inspiration for this blog in so many ways. Much love and gratitude to you, Mike.

I am thankful to have the knowledge as to how to care for my body, access to quality food and water, and the common sense to know when to take a time out.

I am thankful for yoga and my beloved studio, fellow yogis, and beautiful teacher, Ally Hamilton. I love all that these individuals represent.

Lastly, I am thankful that I have such abundance that I have the luxury to even sort through items and decide what I am going to give away, when there are so many who don't even have enough food or clean water or clothing to survive, not to mention lack of shelter. I do not take for granted what a blessed life I have.

In the season of giving and giving thanks, I am thankful for my life that is so full, for the trials I have experienced and learned from, and for how simply awesome things are for me right now. And I am thankful for you.

To Own Me is to Love Me?: Redefining Love and Creating a New Vision

2009-09-20T21:27:00.000-07:00

Today I attended the Global Mala in Los Angeles to do 108 sun salutations as a symbolic gesture to bring peace around the world and to raise money to bring yoga to schools around the country. This event coincides with the U.N. International Day of Peace...such an awesome and inspiring event. While I was at the event and wandering around the different vendor booths, I was introduced to the teachings of Paramahamsa Nithyananda. Here is my cliff notes version of some of his thoughts on love...what it is and how to love....

"Love is an expansion. It destroys boundaries, internal and external. When you deeply experience deep love with someone, it is like you have merged with that person. The boundaries have melted. When you touch someone with a deep love, you expand. You are no longer suffocated, it is like you are living within two bodies. The deep love takes you to that place of no boundaries. But love is dependent on how you see something/someone. Always when you look at something you are calculating what you can get out of it, what you can have from it..then your thoughts come from fear and greed. Your attention is to the object. If your attention goes to the inner space and if you start to look at things or people and ask yourself, "What can I add to this? What can I contribute?," then that is the process of love. No words can really verbalize love. It is an intense experience. "

Wow!! I am still sitting with this. So beautiful. I can only say that this is my deepest hope, of finding someone that literally makes all my boundaries melt and vice versa. It so interesting to hear his thoughts on love because so many people have a deep fear of commitment because they are afraid that they will be suffocated and have no movement, no sense of independence. I am understanding more and more that that fear only exists because we have not been taught that love is really about contributing to each other's lives, about adding to each other's lives. Instead, we are taught that 1, finding someone (i.e. spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend) will make us complete AND then 2, somehow, we "own" the person to a certain degree. That IS scary!!

I think that deep down that mentality has scared me...maybe this why I have dated some less than desirable candidates. I mean, it has been said that every behavior has a payoff; we do things, even destructive things, because they serve some purpose. So maybe I was afraid that he real thing would equal suffocation. Maybe I had not really internalized that I could experience a love that would expand me as a person, maybe I could not have even imagined a love so pure that it would give me wings, contribute to my vision of my life and purpose, and could open me up to new possibilities. No..instead, sadly, I have wasted so much time in relationships that were not love. The lack of respect and integrity suffocated me and because the person was not really invested in contributing to my life in a real way, I would go to a place of fear and in turn be consumed with the thought of losing that person, therefore trying to "own" them. And ironically, I have always been fearful of someone trying to "own" me, take me to suburbia, and never allowing my true essence to shine! A sad circle of events...I am having an "Aha!" moment, folks!!

Thinking of Paramahamsa Nithyananda's words, I realize that now is the time to build a new vision of love. This means thinking of love in the most mature and truest sense, of unraveling years of false storytelling, and redesigning all relationships I currently have..friendships, family, and romantic. Taking apart old beliefs will be hard work. But this vision is so liberating!! Imagine not worrying about "losing" someone, "keeping" someone...instead, turning your desires to making this person's life as beautiful and fulfilling as possible and vice versa. A true partnership. By holding on to this ideal, I think it will be easier to see false "love", to see who is truly invested in me as I am in them..all that is false will fall away as long as I don't hold on in fear. Those who are open and loving and looking for a reciprocal relationship of giving and contributing will not fall away. I think this has also been my trouble in the past (and not so distant past!); many times I have been more than eager to give, to contribute, and failed to realize that love, real love, will also give back and not just take or take you for granted. I think that when I have given and given and little has been given back to me, the dynamics change from love to fear; then slowly, it falls apart. I think that is what he means when he says that real love melts boundaries; because you no longer have to fear that someone will not honor you or will disrespect you, you are able to let your boundaries melt..there is no heart to protect because with real love, your partner wants nothing more than the best for your heart and spirit! Sign me up!! Furthermore, when I hear his words, it makes me understand more and more how and why sex can be such an exhilarating experience with someone you love..the melting of all boundaries, the ultimate expression of merging two souls, and if done with a pure heart , the intense passion that can only come from really giving and sharing your body and soul. Although sex can always feel good, the intensity, passion, and AMAZING feeling that comes from sharing the experience with someone who you are really invested in and is invested in you is unlike anything else.

I have read that the blessing in experiencing what you don't want is that you receive clarity as to what you really do want and desire. It is becoming more and more clear to me in the last 2 months than ever before. I am so ready to experience all my relationships in a new way, based on real love. So I have a little mantra for all of us...May you be blessed with lots of love and may you turn away from fear and allow yourself to experience the true melting of boundaries in the loving hands of someone who really loves you back. May our new vision of love be one of contributing to another's ultimate happiness, of supporting their dreams and desires, and not of trying to possess them. Happy International Day of Peace!

You've Come A Long Way, Baby!

2009-08-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

Think you haven't come very far? Sometimes all you need is a little time to reflect and some reminding from your nearest and dearest to set you straight. At times it seems like nothing changes, like you are still plagued by your old habits, worries, etc. But you are always unfolding. I once read a quote that said water changes the shape of rocks over time, with a constant, slow and steady flow; heavy rains do not have the same effect. Thought of this today as I was biking. Hope you enjoy!

I used to be a woman who put cute little clothes on dogs.

I used to use Equal and Splenda like it was going outta style because I was afraid I would get fat...it didn't matter that those chemicals were probably slowly killing me!(P.S. I was still fat!)

I used to be addicted to Diet Coke. (Again, I was still fat!)

90% of my food used to come in a box that was frozen and had the words "Lean" or "Light" somewhere on the cover. I couldn't name half the ingredients. (..and was still fat!)

I spent a good part of my childhood not being allowed to play freely because I had a weak leg. No running allowed.

I thought I had to drink lots of milk to get stronger, even though my stomach was always

turning because of it.

I used to think of exercise as "no pain, no gain".

I used to think my nose was too big and wanted a nose job for my 16th birthday; I also thought my breasts were too big and wore baggy shirts.

I used to force myself to go out on Friday night, even if I was exhausted, because I was afraid I would "miss out" on something.

At one point, I worked 3 jobs to get from Point A to Point B.

I used to resent that I could cry so easily and love so deeply.

I used to look at pretty girls and think, "Wow..I will never be that put together." And I used to want to be one of them.

I used to set my sights on a guy and think, "please pick me."

I used to not know what to do with my own company and was afraid to live on my own.

I used to not ask for what I wanted and took what I was given.

I used to think that breathing deeply was only useful when you were really angry.

I cried when I turned 30.

Between the ages of 10-30, I was afraid to ride my bike for fear of falling.

I used to think that I had no athletic ability.

I used to spend a lot of time dating the wrong kind of men, then a lot of time grieving, and then a lot of timing being mad/disappointed/ sad.

I used to think that there was only one way to get to God.

I used to think that seeing a therapist was the only way to sort through my issues and let go.

I used to believe in the fairy tale and happily everafter.

But now....

I am a woman who thinks dogs should not be decorated like dolls and should run free :-)

I get sweet on Stevia and Agave and would rather be chubby than poisoned.

I'm addicted to water with lemon and mint.

99% of my food comes from the Earth, 1% comes from the sea. I can name and identify every ingredient. I do not eat boxed food except for the occasional rice burger, quinoa, and brown rice pasta. (And I have successfully kept 30 lbs. off my body for 3+ years now!)

My bones are strong...I run, jump, play.

I get calcium from Almond and Hemp Milk and lovely leafy greens.

I don't call it exercise. I call it a daily opportunity to move my body freely, and think pain is not gain. It should feel GOOD!

I never got a nose job (thank goodness), I think my nose is a perfect fit for my face, and think my large breasts are pretty damn fantastic...why hide them? People pay for these!

I only go out if I really want to and am content with yoga or a book on a Friday night if the mood strikes me. I'm not missing out on anything; the moment I am waiting for is happening right NOW!

I finally got from Point A to Point B and realized there were Points C-Z that I wanted to explore.

I love that I have a big heart and have the ability to love fully and deeply. I realize that many people lose that ability along the way. I see my tears as signposts that I have been deeply moved....fantastic!

I may never be a girl with perfectly manicured nails or be able to walk effortlessly in heels. I may never be a supermodel or have the perfect body, but I have my own beauty and I can carry on one hell of a conversation. And I'm not afraid to be silly...being perfectly put together is overrated.

I think the right guy and I will be lucky for picking each other.

I relish in my own company and living alone has been one of the most liberating experiences ever! I get to dance in my underwear, play my music loudly, and know who will be at my house when I get home. This practice will allow me to share my space in a better way later.

I am still learning to ask for what I want, but am doing it more and more..and sometimes I even get it!

I now know that breathing deeply is not only key for releasing anger, but staying in the present moment and is a gift..with each and every breath.

I would cry if I had to be 20 again.

Today, I rode my bike for 16 miles!!

I use my athletic ability to run 5k's, walk, play, practice yoga, dance. I can say that I did a Marathon.

I let guys show me who they really are, not who I would like them to be. I know that spending time with someone who doesn't treat you well will only delay you from creating space for someone worthy. I believe that the mark of a good man is if he leaves you feeling inspired, seen, and smiling. A man who constantly drains me and disappoints me is soo not worth it.

I now believe that there are many paths to enlightenment and if you strip away religious rules, you will find that most people just want to get closer to love. Anything that promotes hate or pain is not for me.

I believe that making it means that you are filling your life with experiences and people that make you happy and make you grow. I would still like to get married and have kids one day, but that is not the endpoint anymore or my indicator that I have succeeded. Neither is a mortgage.

Although I learned a lot through therapy, the best therapy I have ever had has been on my sticky yoga mat. I never imagined this practice would have toned down my fears, insecurities, and doubts the same way it toned down my backside.

I don't think there is one right way for the story to go or a prince who will come and save me. My life has not turned out how I thought it would or should and I wouldn't change it for the world! I now know that life is full of happiness and pain and that will never change. You just have to learn to embrace all the moments and emotions and realize that there is no endpoint, just constant unfolding . I am loving the adventure, even when I get a little scared.

And I believe in love with all my heart.

( I would like to dedicate this to my beautiful friend, Marina Gonzalez, who last night brought me vegan ice cream and lots of love and took the time to remind me how far I have come. Thanks for lifting my spirits and reminding me that some fear is normal and that sometimes letting go is difficult. I heart you forever!)

The Art of Tuning In

2009-07-18T00:55:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been awhile since I've written here. Truth is, I think it got a bit much for me, documenting what was by far one of the most challenging times of my life a few months ago. Let's just say that March of 2009 was not very kind and the beginning of April, well, not too much better. But the mantra that has been running through my mind and the conversation that I seem to keep having with those around me has to do with tuning in to your inner wisdom and following the inner compass that we all have.

I have a confession to make. I am a recovering advice-aholic. Yes, it's true. From what to order at a restaurant, to how to fix my hair, to whom to date, it seems that I have not been able to make many decisions without asking the advice of others. It's not that I don't know what I like; in the end, I choose what I want. But much too often I have fallen prey to the desire to please, the desire to achieve some kind of perfection, the desire to not be wrong. In other words, I have not trusted my own gut instincts, afraid that they would be wrong. And man, has that lead me down some not so great paths. I would always find myself midway thinking, "damn, why didn't I follow my first instinct?"

So why do so many of us not follow our instincts and instead seek advice constantly? Let me preface this by saying that advice isn't always bad. For example, if there is something I need to gain knowledge about, like where is a good yoga studio while I'm visiting a new city or if I need a recipe or more information on which school to attend for a course of study, etc., then yes, advice is great and needed. There are tons of example of advice being key and necessary. What I'm talking about is that constant need for others' input about things that uniquely YOU, and who knows YOU better than YOU?

Great example was a guy I once dated for a few months. When we met, I knew deep down that my heart was somewhere else. But he was sweet and charming, attractive, well-educated, etc. Still, after our first date, I knew instinctively that there really wasn't much there in terms of chemistry and common interests. Actually, I think I knew that the night we met. But instead of following my inner compass, really tuning in, and reflecting on what was important to me, I fell into a familiar pattern of seeking advice outside myself. Most of my friends and family encouraged me to keep seeing him. They pointed out all his positive qualities, encouraged me to forget about the person I cared about because he wasn't a practical choice, and even tried to convince me that maybe I didn't like this new guy because he was SO emotionally available and I wasn't used to it. As I continued to keep asking for advice from more and more people and as date one led to dates 2 and 3, my inner voice slowly got drowned out by all the loud noise of everyone else's voices. Those voices became the ones I heard the loudest, and I started to second guess myself. I'm not blaming my friends and family; their hearts were in the right place and I did ask for their input. But I know that if I had just stayed true to myself and trusted my own process and gut feelings, I could have saved myself a lot of trouble. Eventually, he and I parted ways. Not because he was a bad person, but he was soooo not right for me. Looking back on the whole thing, I think I didn't feel chemistry and connection with him from the get go because he wasn't really in a place to give in a way that allowed himself to be really open and passionate. He liked the title of girlfriend, but really didn't want to make space for me in his life. I sensed his emotional distance day one. We also had almost nothing in common and very different personalities. And I tried, I tried really hard, even though my inner self was saying "this isn't working!" ( Another addiction I am working on....I have "no quit" mentality. Great for eduction, job searching, etc, but not always the best things when it comes to relationships!) But I wanted it to (afterall, I had put in time and energy and neatly tucked my feelings for the other guy away) and thought it had to because everyone told me this was a good guy to invest in. And I had developed strong feelings for him, which also made it hard to just bail. It's impossible for me to spend time with someone and not become invested in their life and well being. The problem was that they were feelings invested in the wrong person for me; he was more often than not very cold and distant, and if you know me at all, you know that I am all about affection and I am full of energy. I thank him now for doing me the great favor of exiting my life before I became more unhappy, allowing my heart to expand and explore, and teaching me the lesson I really needed to get....TUNE IN!!

So now I'm trying this great new thing. It's pretty awesome. Instead of going to my friends and family for advice for things that are uniquely me, I seek my inner counsel. This is one of the greatest lessons and objectives of yoga, and even though I have been practicing yoga for almost 4 years now, I think I am just starting to really get this aspect of it. I am realizing that whenever I look outside myself for advice about things that I know the answers to within the deepest realms of my heart and spirit, it is because I am not trusting myself. And what I am seeing by my looking over the big and little decisions of my life that I have already made, the truth is and has been that I knew what was best for me. It may not have been what would been best for another or what my friends and family would have thought was the best choice, but I have always known.

I tell you this little story of romance gone sour because it is a perfect example of what happens when we don't tune in, and there are hundreds more examples we can find in our lives that range from romance to jobs to where we choose to lay our heads and call home that show the importance of diligently practicing the art of tuning in. Following the promptings of our hearts requires great courage because it doesn't mean we will always be well received or liked or that those around us will agree with our decisions. But I think there is no sadder life to live than one that is not innately yours. Your life will be full of beauty and passion if it is the one you choose for yourself. This is not to say that hard work, pain, sadness, doubt, and roadblocks won't happen when you choose to tune in and follow your path. But what I have noticed that when I can get still and quiet and tune in, I can hear my inner voice saying to press on when it is really right despite those temporary valleys. And it just feels right when you are your path. When I think about the other guy I was digging, I just know it felt like things clicked immediately. I didn't need advice on whether or not to hang out with him a second time; it was a no brainer!

The art of tuning in is a practice. And as a recovering advice-aholic, it is a struggle. I want to be well liked and for my decisions to be respected and applauded. But I know that is just ego. And I know that I have 31 years of practice under my belt to show me that I CAN trust myself to make great decisions. My new favorite phrase to say is, "This is what I have decided to do.." It is slowly but surely replacing the question, "What do you think I should do?? I don't know what to do!!" You always know. Listen and trust that you will be guided and that you are on an amazing self-guided tour as we speak.

(Note: I want to give a special thank you to some brave friends of mine who have made some huge shifts in their lives recently and are amazing examples of the power of tuning in and self-trust. You inspire me to keep on tuning in!!)

Look and...LEAP!!

2009-02-08T22:03:00.000-08:00

What a week!! Last Monday night I decided to do my backside some good and so I inspired myself to go for a lovely jog...at night...alone. Yeah, not exactly safe. But I have always loved running at night. I like the quiet, the stars, moon, cool breeze, and lights. I like that somehow with all of that I can hide under the radar and see the world without it seeing me. I have done some of my best thinking during those runs.

However, this time, I fell and fell bad. I couldn't get up. I could not save myself. I sprained my ankle something awful. How I got my car is a whole other story. I'll just say it was with the help of a nice valet guy who got a bit creepy. But I got home. And things got slow enough for me to really leap.

Sometimes it seems that you have to either metaphorically or, as in my case, quite literally, trip and fall to get really open. I mean, I could not feel more helpless than I did when I was lying on the cement with no phone and no idea how I was going to even get up. I had none of my usual crutches to get me out of that one and then literally was on crutches just a day later. In that moment, I was raw and open, stripped of any and all comforts. And my ego just kept thinking how silly I must have looked. In short, I was completely vulnerable.

I think it is human nature to resist feeling vulnerable. It is downright frightening to be fully exposed. Without even the thinnest layer of protection to hide the ugly little parts of ourselves that we so cleverly try to deny or at least not bring attention to, it is natural to feel the instinct to run and hide. The truth is that when we fall- apart, in love, down- we are exposing our insides to the outside world in a most honest fashion. And more often than not, that kind of exposure sets into motion a whole lot of inner dialogue that is usually not the most loving or compassionate to ourselves. We worry how we look to the other person, to our family, our friends, etc. We call ourselves stupid and silly. We can move right from panic to all out fear that they won't love us anymore. We cling to yesterday because it is better than nothing. We wish we hadn't made a move because now look what has happened.

In yoga, we actually practice the possibility of falling through balancing poses. My lovely teacher Ally always reminds us that when entering any balancing pose, one of three things can happen- you balance, you wobble, or you fall. The real practice isn't in the "pose"- it is in how you react to the pose and how you react to the outcome. And as humans, we are all about outcomes. We want to know how it is all going to turn out and if it doesn't turn out how we thought it should, we are so disappointed and feel foolish.

Sometimes the real beauty is in the fall. Sometimes the pot needs to get stirred up a bit. So let's take a real look at what happened when you fell...

What happened was....you just took a leap towards the real deal. Now the healing can begin and you can grow.

You are just as lovable. You are even more lovable. Your life is moving forward. You hit bottom and now you can only go up from there.

More likely than not, you start to gain the wisdom that those "ugly" parts of yourself are actually beautiful. They got there from something you hold in the deepest part of yourself. So when you show those parts, you are showing your deepest self. How beautiful!

You take a chance because there is no going back. Everything is different. You get to start over. How beautiful!

When we fall, we need to train the mind to see things differently. We can not let it have its way with us. Ally calls it training the monkey mind and filling our home, our body and mind, with beautiful things and taking care of it. She always reminds us that if we fall in a pose, be mindful of how you speak to yourself. Instead of telling yourself negative thoughts, you must train your mind to see the beauty in falling.

One of my favorite songs is "Let Go". The chorus reminds us that there is "beauty in the breakdown". It is one of the truest things I know. As much as I hate falling, as much as I hate pain, as much hard work goes into healing, I know from experience that I am all the much stronger and happier because of those experiences. And I know that you must go through the pain to get whole again. The same is true for falling in love. Inevitably, things will get messy when two people are getting vulnerable, when insecurities arise. But you must train the mind to see it as beautiful. Beauty unfolding. You can't predict if he/she is the perfect one, the right one. There is no way to know if it will lead of love or heartache, but one thing is certain; you will get nowhere fast unless you take a leap!

I can't lie. I like feeling secure. I like feeling like I have pretty good idea of what is coming next. And I would much rather succeed than fail. Like last Monday night- it would have been much nicer to have had a good run and come home and gone to bed. But that fall had its benefits. I wound up having a heart-to-heart with one of my closest friends that night. I got all kinds of love from my kiddies- they were kind to their injured teacher. I realized that I needed to take a risk and actually go back to NYC for this teaching job fair. I owed it to myself to explore things more fully. I got the chance to slow down enough to really think, try to process all this change. I got a chance to see where I was putting up walls in other parts of life, where I was afraid to metaphorically "stand on one leg" because I was afraid of maybe falling. (I love yoga!! Such practice for life!!) Lastly, it did me some good to be reminded that it is ok to ask for help- I don't always have to be big and strong. Sometimes the strength lies in knowing when to reach out, vulnerabilities and all.

The ankle is healing. All things can heal in time. Will I lace up again? Will I stand on that left foot again in yoga? It is going to take a couple of weeks more of healing, but you bet cha! Just next time, I will make sure to bring my phone on my run. Nothing is a mistake if you learn something from it. What are you afraid to try? Are you afraid of falling? If so, here's a thought to ponder..if you do fall, you might land somewhere quite lovely. And you might have never gotten there if you just stayed seated.

Love and Money- The Real Connection

2009-01-25T20:52:00.000-08:00

Love love love. Why is everyone around me talking about love? Falling in love, staying in love, figuring out if it is really love, love and sex, sex and no love...love is on the tip of everyone's tongues. That and the economy. Is it because they are both a gamble? Unpredictable, maybe unstable. When it's good, ohhh, it's good. When it's bad, oh damn, that shit will break you if you ain't careful. Both can be quite the ride. And I think in both cases, in the end, we want something that will last. Sure, the roller coaster can be great...exciting, new, butterflies in abundance. But it can also be devastating when and if it falls apart and the instability of the ride can shake everything else in your life up. Literally, it can be almost impossible to hold everything else in tact when love or money falls apart. I have done the unstable tract for both. I've waited tables and watched each night on the floor turn into a guessing game of who was going to actually tip me or how many tables I would get, heart racing in hopes that I'd make enough to cover the rent. I have dated the ever so mysterious or commitment phobic or just plain tortured soul who could give me a taste of what I wanted, but in the end never really put himself out there so I never really had something I could count on and have mutual love. Mutual respect. This is true in love and work- without mutual respect, the relationship is doomed and it's only a matter of time for things to fall apart.

Having experienced bad versions of both, what have I learned? Well, for starters, I am too old for bullshit. In the case of love and work (money), I don't like to be deceived, I don't like things sugar coated, I don't like be taken for granted. I'm a valuable commodity and therefore should be treated as such. I have a lot to offer, I have a lot to give. I should not only be giving, but getting my needs met in return. Whether it is a job interview, an audition, or a first date, we so often forget that in the midst of selling our strong suits, we should also be carefully deciding if the potential employer or lover is really a fit for us. We sometimes fail to ask the tough questions and really examine if this going to be good fit over time. Yes, it is true that sometimes we just want a part-time job or a part-time, short-term love. Nothing wrong with that if indeed that is what you want and need at the time. But if you really want a fit that is going to feed you in the most important way of all, that being your spirit, you need to start from a place of self-love.

If you come from a place of self-love, you have standards. You command self-respect. You have values and boundaries and will be damned if anyone is going to cross them or step on your toes. You can't fathom working for a boss who will continually make you work overtime and miss out on family vacations and holidays. You can't be with a lover who never says thank you, who tries to play you, who takes your love and manipulates you because they know you really care. You can't and won't work for or love anyone who doesn't see you as the beautiful soul that you are, who doesn't see your talents, your heart, and applaud them. You know that although the other party is important and valuable, without you there would be no them. The nature of relationship is partnership. One person can not be in charge of holding it down alone.

Have I allowed myself to be disrespected? Yes. I have done things in the name of money and love that I nod my head at in disbelief. I can remember working 2 waitressing jobs and teaching to make ends meet, and I can still remember coming into work at one of my waitressing jobs with fear in my stomach each and every time because I knew my boss was going to pick me apart the entire evening. But I needed money. What I really needed was a little more self-love. As for love, well, I got stories for days. One of my failed attempts was with a man who just kept saying he wasn't ready, wasn't ready, then starting dating someone else and me at the same time, and just kept saying he needed to figure it out..a little more time please? And I gave him time, about a year that I can't ever get back, and all the love this little heart of mine could give. I don't blame him for taking my love. I don't blame my employer for keeping me on. Why would they give up a good thing? In both situations, I lowered by standards, I did not respect myself, I did not practice self-love. I was just focused on what I thought they could give me. One could give me love. One could give me money. If I just did it right, whatever it was, I thought I could get the prize. Somehow I forgot that I was a prize to be had and if I couldn't get my needs met with them, I could take this 5'3" prize somewhere else and make it happen.

I compromised too much and in the end I was left with nothing. The employer eventually let me go just a handful of hours before my next shift because of my "schedule" constraints- the truth was that there were girls there who were sleeping with the managers and got moved up, got my old shifts. When I finally had enough and asked him where things were really going, the lover eventually told me that he valued the other woman's feelings more than mine, that he had more "allegiance" to her, and that he still hadn't decided if he wanted to be with me or her yet...maybe he would know more in 6 months time when she moved back into town. Wow. What a slap in the face. Wait another 6 months for a guy who had that little regard for me? No way.

In the end, I'm glad I had those experiences, the times that I let my boundaries be stomped on, my heart get broken, and my spirit get beaten because I came out much stronger. I now know the difference between a relationship that honors you, makes you better, challenges you and one that sucks you dry. This is true in love and work. I also learned that eventually, what is not serving you will fall away. You can only ignore the writing on the wall for so long. You might stay put out of fear, but eventually, if you don't make a move, the Universe will gently or not so gently push you on and out. This might mean you get laid off, fired, dumped, cheated on and catch the individual red handed. This might most likely cause you to lose your head for a moment, cry, scream, or get numb. But hopefully sooner than later, you will see that this was how it had to be to lead you to something or someone better. If you are not being respected and if you are not practicing self-love, your situation cannot go on as it is. Something has to change or someone has to walk away. What lies in darkness must come to light. Never fails.

I am unfortunately watching folks around me lose their jobs. I am watching relationships break apart. I might lose my job as well, and my last real attempt at love was a messy disaster. But what are we all doing? We are keeping our options open. We are opening our eyes to the possibilities in front of us. We are in full acknowledgement that, although it is scary and unstable, a new path is far better than a beaten one straight to nowhere or one filled with resentment and sadness. I find that exciting. I find that empowering. I am free to love and work and play. I am free to honor myself. As for love, well, who knows when I will I find someone who can match me and love me in just the way I have longed for. I remain hopeful, I believe in love, and have had some great experiences to show me love's potential. And at least I know that for now, when I crawl under the covers and I fall asleep alone, I am resting in the company of one who has a big, loving heart, who knows how to give freely, who can give and command mad respect, because for the first time in a long time, I know myself again, I got my priorities straight, and this makes for a restful slumber. The empty spot next to me is once again a highly coveted place.

Serendipitous Raw Encounters!!

2009-01-19T09:54:00.000-08:00

It seems that as I travel down this raw path, I am having serendipitous encounters and experiences almost daily now. You know what a serendipitous encounter/experience is...those chance meetings or run-ins or even bits of information you hear that you label as a strange coincidence, timely information, or maybe even too good to be true. Yes, I have had them even before going raw, but it seems like the momentum is picking up and they are happening almost daily.

I think my visit to New York is when I really started to notice this. As you know by now, I am transitioning into a more raw diet. When I arrived at my friend Gemma's house, who I stayed with in New York, the first thing I saw on her desk was Natalia Rose's The Raw Food Detox Diet, which I had just finished reading a couple of weeks prior and I was already on one of her other books, Raw Food Life Force Energy. It turns out that Gemma's client (she is a personal chef) was beginning a raw food diet, and then she shows me her kitchen which was loaded with raw food goodies and fresh produce. It didn't stop there! She went on to tell me that she had signed up for a raw food (un)cooking class the following Sunday but didn't think she could make it and could I fill in for her! I was thrilled. Here I had been worried about how I was going to maintain my path towards raw in NYC, and then the raw red carpet had been laid in front of me.

While I was in NYC, I also quickly realized that the yoga studio my yoga teacher had recommended, Yoga To The People, was just a 5 minute walk from my friend Gemma's studio. What luck!! Then it hit me that my friend Mike from Give It To Me Raw (GI2MR) that I had been corresponding with via email had mentioned that he lived just minutes away from that studio. So imagine that- I had been emailing with this guy, we become friends, the NYC trip pretty much falls in my hands, and he happens to live in the same hood I was staying in. Now, when you meet someone new, especially someone you have only been corresponding with via email, you never really know how you are going to vibe in person. So when we agreed to meet for lunch, I was a bit nervous. Would he be an odd duck? Would I have anything to talk about to him besides raw food? Well, I should have had more faith in the Universe. Instantly, Mike and I clicked and he wound up being one of the warmest, intelligent, and just plain awesome people I have ever met. I had the good fortune of spending a good deal of time with him on my trip. And from him I learned not only where the best raw food in NYC is, but he also opened my mind to looking into CSA's (Community Supported Agriculture), getting my own piece of land in a community garden, and really taking my raw lifestyle to the next level. Not to mention that this guy knows his NYC history so I was flooded with amazing historical facts and deep appreciation for that amazing place. It also turns out that the second raw restaurant we visited, Quintessence, was the same place that the (un)cooking class would be.

That class lead me to another serendipitous encounter. As I was looking for the class' location and was asking for info at their retail store, I noticed a girl who looked strangely familiar. I had to approach her. I asked her if she was on Give It To Me Raw, she says yes. I ask her if her name was Amanda, she says yes. Turns out she was a girl I had been emailing on Give It To Me Raw over the last month. Another warm, beautiful individual.

After I left the lovely city of NYC, the raw love just kept flowing. So, remember how I mentioned that Mike got me interested into looking into CSA's and community gardens? Well, it turns out that my city's closest CSA produce pick up is at the Farmer's Market that is down the street from my house on Sundays. And within just days of coming home, I met a great guy named George who just got a patch of land in a community garden in Santa Monica. I know I will learn a lot from him as well. Then I get a message from Dhrumil (the master mind behind the two best raw sites out there...WHAT WHAT!!!) encouraging me to attend a raw food meetup in Orange County with Anthony, aka The Raw Model. I was kinda hesitant, meaning lazy, because it was like a 45 minute drive. But I went. Wow! So glad I did. What great people I met...Anthony, Debbie, Dawn, Disa, Lisa, Marie, Ingrid, and Mia just to name a few. And Anthony gave us a great tip on a great deal on green juice at the Santa Monica Co-op, which I have now become a groupie of. Not only that, but just a few days after the meetup, I ran into Marie at the Co-op, while only the day before that I had ran into Mia at Leaf in Sherman Oaks. I also coincidentally realized that Disa and I had been emailing on GI2MR before we met. Flowing, flowing, flowing...the Universe is just flowing with serendipitous events!

Then there was a serendipitous food event. Being part Italian, I was raised on quite a bit of Italian food. I had given up pasta long ago, with the occasional flirtation with brown rice pasta before heading into a raw lifestyle, but really missed some of the traditional foods I had grown up with. One of those foods is(forgive me, I do not know how to spell it so we are going phonetically here!) Scechata , a traditional Sicilian style pizza from Alessi's bakery in Tampa, Florida (you just learned where I grew up!) that we had at pretty much every wedding, birthday party, and holiday growing up. It's not your usual pizza. It its square, with a thick, almost paste like sauce, loaded with chunks of what looks like pieces of meatballs, and just a sprinkle of shredded Parmesan cheese. So yum. Typically, this pizza is served at room temperature or even cold. I can remember devouring square after square of it as a child, my mouth tattooed with the a light red ring around my mouth. I haven't had this pizza pie in years and to be honest the opportunity has not really come up because I no longer live in Tampa; it ain't easy to get your hands on. But during my East Coast adventure last month, my mom brought some Alessi goodness to my sister's house. There it was, my beloved childhood memory. Of course, I did not have any- even though I had pizza in NYC, I really can't do the meat thing. However, it did make me a little nostalgic. Fast forward to last week when I was at the Co-op, doing my juice groupie thing, but also longing to make my own, raw tomato sauce. I decided to go with Sarma Melngailis' recipe. I went home with my sundried tomatoes, onion, garlic, etc and got busy. Once my food processor had done its thing, I took an apprehensive taste of my red swirl. Oh my goodness!! I knew this taste! It was almost the same exact flavor of my beloved Alessi Bakery tomato sauce. Suddenly, I was flooded with memories. I was five, I had a ridiculous cake with Chuck-E-Cheese or maybe it was Cinderella in front of me, and I was slopping down some Italian goodness. Too bad I was alone in my kitchen because it really was a special moment. Was this serendipitous? I sure felt it was. Of all the recipes I could have chosen or tried, I went with this one. And it was magical.

What do all these little events mean? The people, the encounters, the events...what is the Universe saying to me? In my opinion, it is the Universe's way of whispering, "Hey Anita. You are on a great path. I will support you. Look! Another amazing friend! Another beautiful day! What did you say you needed help with? What information did you need? What bad situation did you need to be pulled out of? What feeling were you hoping to have? There you go- get your manifestation on!" Any doubts I may have had about what I'm doing are gone. I know I'm on the path towards my own enlightenment. I have learned that food equals lifestyle and lifestyle means taking a serious look at all parts of your life. You are feeding more than your body; you are feeding your soul. Whatever you are trying to get answers to, stay open, let the Universe (or whatever you would like to call it) show you the way, and watch your thoughts- make them good ones! I know I will. I am approaching each day with a new child like curiosity-hmmm, what will be revealed to me today? What amazing person will I meet? Who's got something I need to hear? And when I need some comfort and some reminding on what it feels like to be childlike, I now know one little magical sauce (thanks, Sarma!) that will transport me to time when I ran like the wind, stained my clothes, and laughed relentlessly. Maybe not much has changed! :-)

Simple Things I LOVE!!

2009-01-16T12:50:00.000-08:00

It is Friday and I'm feeling light. I'm on my lunch break, chomping on a cucumber and guacamole. So good- seriously, if you are not hip to this combo, put away those tortilla chips and give yourself some extra green love! The sun is shining, it is the perfect temp outside, I have already had the chance to run and do yoga with my kids. Life is pretty sweet. Yes, it has been a bit of a difficult week and the soul searching has begun. But that doesn't mean I have to stop living or spend every moment in deep contemplation. I have a lot of work in front of me this weekend, but I also want to remember that life is full of simple pleasures. To make myself remember just how sweet it is and maybe stir your soul a bit to relish in the little wonders, I thought I'd make a list of simple things I LOVE...and most are free:

1) A good, long hug. I love good huggers that hold just long enough and tight enough that you really get the love.

2) A really good kiss. Ok, what's on my mind!!? But seriously, a kiss that is full of passion and excitement and that "I just can't get enough of you!!" feeling rocks me and is FREE!!!!!

3) Writing. I love to write. Good for the soul.

4) Sweaty yoga. The more I sweat the better. Yoga is my life line to all things sweet.

5) A good conversation. Oh, when someone inspires me or makes me laugh, wow!

6) Which reminds me..a good, "my belly hurts" laugh. You can not buy or plan that one!

7) CHOCOLATE!!! I love chocolate and raw eating has taught me what real chocolate is all about.

8) Lying in my bed on a Saturday morning knowing that I can be lazy for a bit longer is such a treasure!

9) Walking on the beach. My favorite beaches to walk are still in Florida..

10) A good cry. Sometimes, it feels so sweet to release.

11) Sunset....we have some great sunsets here in SoCal.

12) A great glass of wine with great company.

13) Brunch...especially on Sundays.

14) Meeting a man who gives me butterflies.

15) When that man calls and asks me out...

16) When I know I really dig him....soooo great.

17) The first day I realize I am over an ex. Liberation to have a truly open heart!!

18) Meeting someone you know will be a friend for years to come.

19) Singing in my car, shower, or apartment. I am my own concert. Dancing may consume!

20) Watching a favorite movie for like the 100th time but doing so because it comforts me like a warm sweater.

21) Riding my bike. Fun and makes me feel like a kid again.

22) Getting my hands on a new CD and loving it soo much that I wear it out. I still love reading the lyrics, the credits, and checking the photos.

23) Creating playlists. I am into soundtracking my life and music is my ultimate journal. It can bring me back to about any moment in my life.

24) A hug from one of my students. Warms my heart.

25) Teaching yoga to my kids. To pass on concepts of love, compassion, patience, balance, and heart opening exercises is a gift in and of itself.

26) Visiting a new city.

27) Shopping with my sisters. Really, I could buy nothing but no one makes me feel more beautiful or is more fun than those ladies. Think dress-up for women.

28) The perfect lipgloss.

29) Food shopping. I love this. I love picking out amazing food, pure, whole foods that will nourish me.

30) Preparing it. Even if it is just for me, such self-love,

31) When someone buys me flowers, my heart melts.

32) When my students have that "aha!" moment, my life is brighter.

33) The warm easy company of a friend you know so well, you don't even need to say a word.

34) Karaoke. I will never get sick of singing "Baby Got Back" or "Push It".

35) Getting a cute, thoughtful text from the guy I'm crushing. Crushes me. Better yet, a call.

36) Long dinners and long lunches with great company.

37) Being in my PJ's relaxing with my family. Love it!

38) A great book that is so wonderful I want to go home to it instead of going out.

39) Dancing all night to the sound of a DJ who knows what the real ish is!

40) Green juice in large amounts.

41) Smoothies!!! Green ones especially.

42) When I hear a song I haven't heard in years comes on...wow!

43) Getting ready to go out...the beautiful experience.

44) Knowing I made someone's day a bit brighter.

45) A good, strong run.

46) Lying in the warm sun. I love the beach like no one's business!

47) A moment of silence followed by a deep breath.

48) When my dad sends me a text, I smile. He is so cute!

49) A great quote that sticks in my mind and warms the soul.

50) A warm breeze...beats a cold wind any day.

51) The first time I lay eyes on new surroundings.

52) Watching my beloved sleep and be peaceful...can't wait to have a new beloved to watch!

53) Waking up next to that same beloved person...to be continued! Oh..and falling asleep by his side....the best!!

54) When something tastes so good you have a religious experience.

55) Believing in myself.

56) The perfect outfit at the perfect price.

57) Dogs. I love dogs. I love people who love dogs.

58) Driving in my car with great music going and no pressure of time.

59) Portuguese - I like hearing it, especially from the lips of a Brasilian man. Yum.

60) Vacations.

61) Fridays.

62) Getting my eyebrows threaded. I like the clean feeling. I like the look.

63) The first moment I see an old friend or family member after a period of absence. A piece of my heart returns.

64) Watching "Sex and the City" episodes AGAIN. It is a sick obsession that I don't apologize for.

65) A fresh bag of Corn Chips from Leaf.

66) I like comments on my Facebook and Give It To Me Raw pages. As long as they are nice.

67) Emails written with sincerity.

68) People. I really like people. Good, kind, loving people. I know a lot of them. I am blessed.

69) My siblings...they are my past, present, future.

70) Planning an adventure!

71) The present moment.

72) Getting older and wiser. I dig my birthday.

73) Knowing that even though my heart has been broken in the past, this only means that the best love of my life is on his way. No mistakes, just learning.

74) Naps. Love naps with warm blankets.

75) Smelling my love's scent on my pillow. (Again, I'm trying to manifest!!)

76) Going to Marina's house for random fun, good talks, dance party, and raw food exchanges. She is my second home.

77) Trying a new raw recipe and having it come out super yummy!

78) Indian Food...I think I will always love this cooked food luxury.

79) Watching a great movie that moves me soo much I have to call someone and tell them something meaningful.

80) Serendipitous encounters.

81) The first time someone I love tells me they love me and me having the openness to say it back.

82) Being free from my car...a subway ride, a walk, a bike ride. Just to know I can get around without it.

83) The smell of clean laundry. Special emphasis on clean sheets.

84) When my apartment is totally clean and organized. This usually happens only with the help of good music. I like to just sit there and bask in the cleanness.

85) Warm ocean water to accompany the perfect tan. The sound of the waves is also a treasure. So soothing.

86) Thoughtful gifts. It is not about the cost. It could be a homemade card, a CD, a picture in the mail. Just knowing that the person made it or saw it and thought of me is what makes it special.

87) Pictures. I love them. I am addicted.

88) Finding old letters.

89) Reading old journals.

90) Making a list of my goals.

91) Hot Cacao Almond Milk.

92) A juicy, ripe mango in the middle of summer.

93) Hiking in the middle of some beautiful piece of nature.

94) Star gazing. It reminds me of the infinite possibilities and not to over-think things. It also makes me feel a sense of awe.

95) Sand between my toes, grass underneath my feet, sunshine on my face.

96) Moments where I see so much beauty in the world that I feel my heart expand.

97) Holding hands with someone special. Intimate.

98) Eye contact with someone with warm eyes. Melts me.

99) A hot, long shower. Every once in awhile, you have to let the water run a little bit longer and enjoy it.

100) I love it when someone plays with my hair...especially when it is someone I dig!

101) And Q-tips. I know it's bad but it feels so good!!

102) Lying under the shade of a gorgeous tree, with branches long and deep roots. And if by some chance there is Jasmine in the air, perfect.

103) Loving another. It means I have kept my heart open and no matter what the risk, love is a pleasure unlike any other in all its forms.

I will admit, I finished this list after the lunch was over. The truth is that there were so many more things to include than I had originally thought. I HAD to finish at home. And I probably could go on a lot longer, which is so good to know. No matter what happens, it is so comforting to know that these pleasures exist for me, maybe not everyday or everywhere. But they are there for me. What pleasure lies in living, what comfort lies in gratitude, what happiness lies in simplicity.

Love and Light to you!!

It's Like Cleaning Out Your Closet!!

2009-01-14T22:04:00.000-08:00

The more I go over all of this, more and more stuff is coming to the surface. It's like if I am going to exploring reinventing one part of my life, I have to ask the big questions....what do I really value? If I could have it any way I'd like it, what would that look like? What have I been wanting to do or try that I have not been freed up to do? Freedom brings a lot to the surface. I feel like I'm cleaning out my closet and all my clothes are all over my bedroom floor. It has to get messy before it can get clear. I need to make sure that I get myself over to yoga tomorrow night. Keep it open open open. Open heart. Open mind. Open life.

A Big Change Is Coming

2009-01-13T19:28:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been a rude awakening coming back to LA. It seems like years ago that I was in NYC, exploring the city and myself as well. First, my brakes went out on my car and $450 later...I was lucky enough that Peter loaned me his car so I could get to work today. I will say I have amazing friends, always have been blessed that way.

But trouble was brewing before I even got on the road. I turned on the news to find out that LAUSD is looking to get approval this evening to start cutting some 2,600 teachers beginning in the next couple of months. They will be starting with non-permanent teachers and then go on from there. As a by-product, our students will be getting shuffled around to different classrooms. They still need to be educated by someone. I think I will be ok for the first set of cuts but then there is next year...they are saying that the next step will be letting go of permanent teachers by way of seniority, in which case I will definitely be out of a job. Add in the fact that they are talking of getting rid of our paid vacation days (salary cut) and cutting health benefits and whooo! Overwhelmed. I have to ask myself, even if I don't lose my job, with all these changes and added burdens both financial and in the classroom, is this where I want to stay or is it time to make a move?

So all this is going on in my head and then I find out that two students of mine have lost their dad to cancer over the break. I am so saddened by this. He was really a great man and now their family is going through so much financial hardship. It really makes me realize that my life is not full of problems, just situations. This poor family is the one in a crisis.

So what to do about this situation. I really think that if I just stay put, I will be like a sitting duck. It is only a matter of time for things to get even crazier and the cuts to get deeper. And I am a single gal. No live in boyfriend, no hubby, not even a roommate. I am fully in charge of my livelihood. Great, but in a time of crisis, the weight of that freedom is heavy. Like my co-worker said, if she gets let go, she at least has her hubby to keep the fam afloat. I am my only lifesaver here in Cali. A few years ago, my life was very different. I was finishing up my credential, about to get contracted at the school I had been working at, I was in love and in a committed relationship, and my family was here. There were a lot of reasons to stay put. I felt very "do or die" about living in LA. Over the last couple of years, the contract came through, the credential was finished, the boyfriend and I split, and the family moved. I started to get some Wanderlust. Still, when I had fantasies of moving to Brasil or somewhere else in the U.S., I would always kind of shove it under the table, thinking why would I leave my great friends, great apartment, and a great job where I am starting to make more money and love my students and my school. Foolish, right? Who would leave all that? I think I also was holding out the hope that Mr. Wonderful would appear in LA and then, after my long-term love and I ended and I started dating again, spent about a year trying to turn the guy who was only mildly into me and my well being into Mr Right.

Now the job might be gone. The friends and all that are still awesome but I learned at 16 that your beautiful heart can love love love your friends, encounter new ones and love some more!

And I really don't want to be attached to things, like an apartment or a couch. As for dating in LA, I can say I have given it 12 years and an open mind. Maybe he's just not here. Really. I am really starting to wonder if the Universe is trying to get me moving in another direction. Peter thinks this could be my blessing in disguise ...if I lose my job, what might I gain? Really, I could redesign my life, starting with moving. Right now, I'm thinking of NYC or Austin..NY because I just simply fell in love with it and Austin because of my family. In so many ways, I have been becoming more and more drawn towards different interests and feel like I am blossoming into a new part of myself. It is like I started this path a couple of years ago and it keeps leading me more and more towards connecting deeper with myself, nature, compassion, love. So hard to really put into words. I am wondering if all this change here in Cali and at work is just the catalyst for me to go to the next level.

For now, I really need to map out what I want, get my life organized if I do need to make a move (literally), and examine what option is best for me. It always best to move with a sense of clarity and calmness, as opposed to fear and anxiety. Time to really tune in to my highest self. I am trusting that all I need to know and all I need to have will be provided. In the end, I am going to learn a lot and maybe even change it all.....what an adventure!!!!!!!!!

"My Way" Feature

2009-01-13T19:12:00.000-08:00

I feel very honored that my friend (when will we actually met, Dhru??) asked me to be this week's "My Way" feature blogger of the week. Dhrumil has two sites that I am a member of ,

www.welikeitraw.com and www.giveittomeraw.com If you don't know what's up with Dhru, get your learn on! He is very knowledgeable, kind, spiritual, socially conscious, and pretty darn adorable. His sites are a wealth of knowledge and have been pivotal on my journey towards moving more and more into raw foods. I am planning on having a whole blog post devoted towards how my journey started, why I am moving towards raw, and my insights thus far. I would also like to give a BIG UPS to Mike Lieberman for being my instant NYC friend and giving me a great raw experience in East Village. It is not very often that you meet someone like Mike who is so giving of time and energy and is mad knowledgeable about his city and how to be a responsible citizen. Are all the adorable men raw these days?? Maybe!!

Check out my raw food adventures and some NYC highlights on the following link:

www.welikeitraw.com/rawfood/2009/01/my-way-anita-avalos.html

My reward for being a lover and following my heart.

2009-01-09T12:14:00.000-08:00

I have so many thoughts stirring in this head of mine. So many ideas to share and at the same time I am trying to get out of this apartment and ride my bike in the beautiful LA sunshine and enjoy looking at the coastline. That's why I live here...and I'm trying to not miss NYC so much.

But I just wanted to share for now that I am happy to be a lover. What do I mean? I had so much ish go down in '08 to break my spirit and my heart. At times, I questioned why I loved so much and even if there was a way to love less and protect this heart of mine. (I am known to cry easily and have little guard up. My sister teased me about being a DF- Delicate Flower! )But that is so contrary to who I really am and what I believe in. I have fully accepted that I was just sending my energy and attention in the wrong direction. As I have been going down this raw and yogic journey, I have come across people and experiences to just open me up, to push me to stay open. And as I keep doing more and more loving things for myself, it is like my tank is just getting more and more full. I find that I am coming across more and more like minded people and serendipitous moments and circumstances keep unfolding for me. Like yesterday, I went to Leaf to grab some lunch and I'm wearing my "I Love NY" shirt and this nice woman asks me if I'm from there. We get to talking, she tells me she is from NY and is going back in a few months to visit, I give her some raw restaurants to try in East Village, and suddenly we are friends, bonding over raw food and a common love for NY. When I finally sit down and write my big NY highlights blog, I will be able to list many serendipitous moments. But anyway, I guess my point is that I don't want to change being a lover and having a big, open heart. Sure, I get my heart broken and at times feel the sting of disappointment, but really, I feel like I'm so lucky to have the courage to put myself out there. It is beautiful to allow yourself to let someone in and really see them, really take in who they are. The superficial stuff does nothing for me. If it hurts to let someone go, then, man, that just means that they really touched my soul. What a gift!

My homegirl Julie and I were talking on the way to the airport the other day and she said that she really admired that even though I have had some crappy relationships that I was not bitter and am ever hopeful of meeting the right guy. I guess this is because as I continue to unfold as a person, as my capacity to love myself and those I encounter grows, I believe that the kind of person I really want and should be with will present himself. I have grown tired of being someone who does all the work and of allowing myself to be taken advantage of. Why is it so hard to remember sometimes how special you are? Why do we sometimes accept anything less than the real thing, in friendships or in love? I also believe that the Universe is supporting my journey. I hope to hold on to this optimism and have the courage to let go of anything or anyone who is really not feeding me, but rather is taking my energy away.

I hope we all are supported on our journey and do not let our past stories keep us from getting what we deserve and desire. More than ever, I am treasuring my open heart.

Blessings!

Soo much to catch up on!

2009-01-07T22:10:00.001-08:00

I am so tired right now. Jet lag has hit me on my first night back from NYC. Such an amazing trip. I want to give it the attention it deserves so a much better blog post will have to be posted tomorrow. I just wanted to write something to remind me of the feeling I have right now, of being inspired by such amazing sights, great people, of just knowing that I could go somewhere new and love it because it so different, and of realizing that I'm still horrible at goodbyes. Can't help it. When I let folks in or even a city like NY, it is not easy for me to part ways. I asked David why I'm such a softie and he says it's just because I have a really big heart. Well, that makes me feel better. I'd rather feel things with great intensity than just a big void or hold back. I think I'll rest now and blog more tomorrow. Loved loved loved NYC. But it will be nice to snooze in my actual bed..you can only do the pull out bed for so long.

East Coast Adventure Day 2

2008-12-23T22:06:00.000-08:00

file:///var/folders/uC/uCYsICslHCG6NZxHgydwrU+++TI/-Tmp-/com.apple.PhotoBooth-T0xa119d0.tmp.8TPsaq/Photo%20436.jpg

East Coast Holiday Adventure, Day 1

2008-12-22T23:06:00.000-08:00

Well, finally the much anticipated East Coast adventure is here. I left my journal at home, so this actually makes me more accountable and will keep me updating my blog page. Anyway, this trip is especially exciting for me for many reasons. One, I am very happy to see my sister Andria and her husband Jon and of course, Baby Noah and Hailey, my nephew and niece. It's been a couple of years, and it is the first time I am seeing Noah. Unfortunately, money has been super tight, which has delayed the visit. Certainly it has not been out of desire. But things have opened up, not a lot, but enough to get me here. The other reason this trip is so exciting is that I am going to NYC for the first time!! I have fantasized about this since my childhood and now it is just days away. I am really looking forward to documenting all my highlights.

So, today was mad packing day. I spent the entire day right up until I left packing. I was a bit behind schedule because of this nasty sinus infection, which just slowed me down and sucked my energy. As a wise friend on Give It To Me Raw.com said, the illness is probably related to something emotional as well. Certainly, being sick gave me time to reflect on a lot of things. I am hoping that this trip will give me some perspective on things, stretch my wings a bit, and come back to LA with more clarity. But back to today. Packing, trying to get all my warm stuff in, constantly thinking about layering. Marina came by and loaned me an awesome second piece of luggage, give me a good laugh, and dropped off my umbrella. I was lucky enough to have Peter drop me off to the airport today..he knows I stress before a trip and he really helped me calm down, make sure I had it all together, and get me there on time. He even got me a nifty camera case on the way. I have great friends!

Once on the plane, I slept for about the first hour or so then watched a pretty good movie...can't remember the name but the basic message was let the love flow and you only get one life, so love and play hard!! Read a bit more of Natalia Rose's Raw Food: Life Force Energy. If you don't know about Natalia, she is amazing!! I highly recommend you check her out if you are interested in nutrition and health...and no, you don't have to go all raw on her plan. More on Mrs. Rose in another blog post!

We got in early, by like half an hour. I could feel the bitter cold as soon as I exited the plane. But I was layered up. Infact, I don't think Andi and Jon could recognize me under it all. It was really awesome to see them after so long. Their house is amazing!! I am in the downstairs basement, which is BEAUTIFUL!! It's like a whole other house down here and very warm. I like to be warm. Their home gym is down here and it rocks! Treadmill tomorrow. It will be nice to workout now that I can breathe again. I did get to take a peak at Noah...it was my first look at him. So beautiful. It was hard to not wake him and kiss him. Got to see Hailey, too. She was sleeping in her little princess room. It's hard to believe that she was just a bitty thing not so long ago. Jon filled me in on some of her antics so we shall see how she is tomorrow.

Overall, I am happy and so excited to see everyone. My only wish was that somehow I could see Dad, Jo, and the my other sisters and brother and of course, Mike, Ervin, and Mariah (my other brothers-in-law and niece), but you gotta roll with it. Will keep you updated!!

How Life Is Like Yoga - Entry 1

2008-12-15T16:56:00.000-08:00

So for awhile now, I have had these floating thoughts of how life is like yoga. Because I have been able to practice with so many wonderful yogis, big and small, and have had amazing teachers, especially Ally Hamilton over at Santa Monica Power Yoga West, to point out the similarities, these connections keep bubbling over more and more. Cause it's more than what happens on your mat, you know. I have decided to start capturing these thoughts and finally put them to paper..or screen!

Today I want to focus on the art of going with the flow and being happily surprised..or not. In the end, it's all good. Some of the most clear examples of this have taken place right at the yoga studio or at sunset yoga, outside in lovely Santa Monica. There have been many times I have walked into a class, sooo excited to practice with a particular teacher, proud that I made it to class after what usually is a lot of hustle and bustle during my day, only to slip off my shoes, roll out my mat and discover that the teacher I was planning to practice with for the next 90 minutes is not there! Instead, there is a sub. Sometimes, it is a sub that I have had before- some I liked a bit and some I did not really connect with. Other times it is a whole new teacher, and I'm sitting there thinking, "hmm, I wonder what this is going to be like." But I will be honest with you- I'm usually more or less annoyed...my expectations have been dashed. Still, I realize that this is an opportunity to learn, to examine my attachments and how I think things "should be."

As the class goes on, one of three things happens. Either I love the class, I kinda dig it, or I realize that that teacher's style and approach is not for me. But no matter what, I learn something, about myself and yoga in general. These situations teach me to be grateful no matter what- after all, I have a lovely studio to roll out my mat in and fellow yogis going for the ride with me. And if I'm there, it means I'm in good health...woo hoo!! I might learn a new pose, a new way to approach a series of asanas (poses), or hear a song that really speaks to me and go home and immediately download it. One time there was a sub for Ally , and I was so bummed because I had brought my best friend to the class and was sad that she was going to miss out on a Tuesday night class. Well,it turns out that this sub ROCKED!! Amazing music, amazing message, amazing flow...one of my best classes ever. It moved me. Then there was the time that I went to a class, and the sub was so not my scene that halfway through, I left. I felt kinda bad, but I felt it was worse to stay out of guilt than true enjoyment.

This summer was a real eye opener because I took Sunset Yoga through Lululemon, where every week was a different teacher. Again, not every teacher was for me, but it pushed me to open my mind up to new experiences and let go of a lot of those attachments. I can't think of a better place to do that than at yoga, in the summer, outside at sunset, at a free class.

No matter how much I like the teacher or the class , or not, I come face to face with not only my attachments, but I also have an experience to examine what kind of yoga teacher I would like to be. I get a chance to experience first hand how music, tone of voice, pace, and overall style affect the class and choose which ones I would like to embody. If I hold onto my attachments and not try new classes, than I can never really say, "I prefer this style over that one." How do you know what you really like if you don't really experiment?

But on another level, the message here is that sometimes we walk into a situation, be it a job, relationship, event, hobby, etc., fully thinking it is going to be one thing. We dream up images of what it will be like, based on past experiences or new ones we would love to have. Sometimes it is everything we would like it to be and more- we are happily surprised! Sometimes it is sooo not what we had bargained for and wind up disappointed. But I say examine that disappointment- what needs were you not getting met? What was it that you thought this person or job or experience was going to provide you that it didn't? How can you provide it for yourself? And what did you learn here? If anything, find the gratitude in the lesson...there is always something to be learned. Even if you have to walk out. Like when I left that class- sometimes it is so hard for me to say, "This isn't working. I don't like this. It's not for me." In just that small instance, I practiced the art of walking away when it wasn't right- that didn't make that teacher wrong, it just meant that the class wasn't a fit for me. Maybe the lesson I needed to learn that day was not how to approach a pose differently... maybe the lesson was learning how to walk away from a misfit situation gracefully, respecting both parties. If I had been overly attached to what I thought that class was going to bring me, I probably would have not seen the bigger picture at hand.

Know that I am human. I don't walk around always seeing the bigger picture and being unattached to outcomes. It is a practice. Like yoga. A practice. I'm just moving forward. I'm just hoping to have my attachment to outcomes blown with some big, happy surprises in my life, like I did at that Tuesday night class. But damn it, that's an attachment. :-)

2008-12-14T22:38:00.000-08:00