Tuesday, January 13, 2009
A Big Change Is Coming
Well, it has been a rude awakening coming back to LA. It seems like years ago that I was in NYC, exploring the city and myself as well. First, my brakes went out on my car and $450 later...I was lucky enough that Peter loaned me his car so I could get to work today. I will say I have amazing friends, always have been blessed that way.
But trouble was brewing before I even got on the road. I turned on the news to find out that LAUSD is looking to get approval this evening to start cutting some 2,600 teachers beginning in the next couple of months. They will be starting with non-permanent teachers and then go on from there. As a by-product, our students will be getting shuffled around to different classrooms. They still need to be educated by someone. I think I will be ok for the first set of cuts but then there is next year...they are saying that the next step will be letting go of permanent teachers by way of seniority, in which case I will definitely be out of a job. Add in the fact that they are talking of getting rid of our paid vacation days (salary cut) and cutting health benefits and whooo! Overwhelmed. I have to ask myself, even if I don't lose my job, with all these changes and added burdens both financial and in the classroom, is this where I want to stay or is it time to make a move?
So all this is going on in my head and then I find out that two students of mine have lost their dad to cancer over the break. I am so saddened by this. He was really a great man and now their family is going through so much financial hardship. It really makes me realize that my life is not full of problems, just situations. This poor family is the one in a crisis.
So what to do about this situation. I really think that if I just stay put, I will be like a sitting duck. It is only a matter of time for things to get even crazier and the cuts to get deeper. And I am a single gal. No live in boyfriend, no hubby, not even a roommate. I am fully in charge of my livelihood. Great, but in a time of crisis, the weight of that freedom is heavy. Like my co-worker said, if she gets let go, she at least has her hubby to keep the fam afloat. I am my only lifesaver here in Cali. A few years ago, my life was very different. I was finishing up my credential, about to get contracted at the school I had been working at, I was in love and in a committed relationship, and my family was here. There were a lot of reasons to stay put. I felt very "do or die" about living in LA. Over the last couple of years, the contract came through, the credential was finished, the boyfriend and I split, and the family moved. I started to get some Wanderlust. Still, when I had fantasies of moving to Brasil or somewhere else in the U.S., I would always kind of shove it under the table, thinking why would I leave my great friends, great apartment, and a great job where I am starting to make more money and love my students and my school. Foolish, right? Who would leave all that? I think I also was holding out the hope that Mr. Wonderful would appear in LA and then, after my long-term love and I ended and I started dating again, spent about a year trying to turn the guy who was only mildly into me and my well being into Mr Right.
Now the job might be gone. The friends and all that are still awesome but I learned at 16 that your beautiful heart can love love love your friends, encounter new ones and love some more!
And I really don't want to be attached to things, like an apartment or a couch. As for dating in LA, I can say I have given it 12 years and an open mind. Maybe he's just not here. Really. I am really starting to wonder if the Universe is trying to get me moving in another direction. Peter thinks this could be my blessing in disguise ...if I lose my job, what might I gain? Really, I could redesign my life, starting with moving. Right now, I'm thinking of NYC or Austin..NY because I just simply fell in love with it and Austin because of my family. In so many ways, I have been becoming more and more drawn towards different interests and feel like I am blossoming into a new part of myself. It is like I started this path a couple of years ago and it keeps leading me more and more towards connecting deeper with myself, nature, compassion, love. So hard to really put into words. I am wondering if all this change here in Cali and at work is just the catalyst for me to go to the next level.
For now, I really need to map out what I want, get my life organized if I do need to make a move (literally), and examine what option is best for me. It always best to move with a sense of clarity and calmness, as opposed to fear and anxiety. Time to really tune in to my highest self. I am trusting that all I need to know and all I need to have will be provided. In the end, I am going to learn a lot and maybe even change it all.....what an adventure!!!!!!!!!