Friday, January 9, 2009
My reward for being a lover and following my heart.
I have so many thoughts stirring in this head of mine. So many ideas to share and at the same time I am trying to get out of this apartment and ride my bike in the beautiful LA sunshine and enjoy looking at the coastline. That's why I live here...and I'm trying to not miss NYC so much.
But I just wanted to share for now that I am happy to be a lover. What do I mean? I had so much ish go down in '08 to break my spirit and my heart. At times, I questioned why I loved so much and even if there was a way to love less and protect this heart of mine. (I am known to cry easily and have little guard up. My sister teased me about being a DF- Delicate Flower! )But that is so contrary to who I really am and what I believe in. I have fully accepted that I was just sending my energy and attention in the wrong direction. As I have been going down this raw and yogic journey, I have come across people and experiences to just open me up, to push me to stay open. And as I keep doing more and more loving things for myself, it is like my tank is just getting more and more full. I find that I am coming across more and more like minded people and serendipitous moments and circumstances keep unfolding for me. Like yesterday, I went to Leaf to grab some lunch and I'm wearing my "I Love NY" shirt and this nice woman asks me if I'm from there. We get to talking, she tells me she is from NY and is going back in a few months to visit, I give her some raw restaurants to try in East Village, and suddenly we are friends, bonding over raw food and a common love for NY. When I finally sit down and write my big NY highlights blog, I will be able to list many serendipitous moments. But anyway, I guess my point is that I don't want to change being a lover and having a big, open heart. Sure, I get my heart broken and at times feel the sting of disappointment, but really, I feel like I'm so lucky to have the courage to put myself out there. It is beautiful to allow yourself to let someone in and really see them, really take in who they are. The superficial stuff does nothing for me. If it hurts to let someone go, then, man, that just means that they really touched my soul. What a gift!
My homegirl Julie and I were talking on the way to the airport the other day and she said that she really admired that even though I have had some crappy relationships that I was not bitter and am ever hopeful of meeting the right guy. I guess this is because as I continue to unfold as a person, as my capacity to love myself and those I encounter grows, I believe that the kind of person I really want and should be with will present himself. I have grown tired of being someone who does all the work and of allowing myself to be taken advantage of. Why is it so hard to remember sometimes how special you are? Why do we sometimes accept anything less than the real thing, in friendships or in love? I also believe that the Universe is supporting my journey. I hope to hold on to this optimism and have the courage to let go of anything or anyone who is really not feeding me, but rather is taking my energy away.
I hope we all are supported on our journey and do not let our past stories keep us from getting what we deserve and desire. More than ever, I am treasuring my open heart.